Dear
Vogue,
Thank
you for teaching me about the correlation between biology and geometry,
Thank
you for teaching me that women come in all sizes, and shapes too apparently,
From
triangle to inverted triangle to square to circle to oval,
You
told me that women’s bodies can be compared to stationery and fruits,
From
pear to apple to ruler to lollipop to hourglass.
Dear
Vogue,
Thank
you for teaching me that being sexy means your lingerie must be no less than a
lacy push-up bra from Victoria’s Secret and your thongs must be from Agent
Provocateur,
What
if I want to wear my unappealing cotton Jockey?
Will
I grow up to be crazy cat lady and die a virgin?
Dear
Vogue,
Thank
you for telling me that I have failed at life if I haven’t mastered the winged
eyeliner yet,
Or
that a “natural” make up look includes beginning with a Lancome primer followed
by a Shiseido foundation and a M.A.C concealer and a Revlon highlighter and a
Loreal compact and finally a Chambor nude lipstick.
Dear
Vogue,
Thank
you for teaching me that my personality is measured by the number of pimples on
my face and the stretch marks on my thighs.
Thank
you for teaching me the importance of a thigh gap and a flat stomach,
And
for suggesting a million diets right from lemonade diet to Goop to Atkins,
You
taught me that colourful macarons are only supposed to be ogled at, not eaten.
Dear
Vogue,
Thank
you for telling me that Taylor Swift is fabulous just because she has a cat
named Meredith Grey and that Sonam Kapoor is absolutely iconic just because she
can afford Dolce and Gabbana,
Because
who needs anything else right?
Thank
you for teaching me that I’m supposed to change my sartorial choices every
month and throw my month-old clothes away because trends change, and my clothes are “so 2014.”
Dear
Vogue,
Thank
you for teaching me that women’s empowerment means flying hair, removing your
bra on Youtube in slow motion and having sex outside of marriage.
I
really wonder about the enlightening things you tell me,
And
I’m really concerned, because,
Dear
Vogue,
You
really do have issues.
