Dear Vogue

Dear Vogue,

Thank you for teaching me about the correlation between biology and geometry,

Thank you for teaching me that women come in all sizes, and shapes too apparently,

From triangle to inverted triangle to square to circle to oval,

You told me that women’s bodies can be compared to stationery and fruits,

From pear to apple to ruler to lollipop to hourglass.

Dear Vogue,

Thank you for teaching me that being sexy means your lingerie must be no less than a lacy push-up bra from Victoria’s Secret and your thongs must be from Agent Provocateur,

What if I want to wear my unappealing cotton Jockey?

Will I grow up to be crazy cat lady and die a virgin?

Dear Vogue,

Thank you for telling me that I have failed at life if I haven’t mastered the winged eyeliner yet,

Or that a “natural” make up look includes beginning with a Lancome primer followed by a Shiseido foundation and a M.A.C concealer and a Revlon highlighter and a Loreal compact and finally a Chambor nude lipstick.

Dear Vogue,

Thank you for teaching me that my personality is measured by the number of pimples on my face and the stretch marks on my thighs.

Thank you for teaching me the importance of a thigh gap and a flat stomach,

And for suggesting a million diets right from lemonade diet to Goop to Atkins,

You taught me that colourful macarons are only supposed to be ogled at, not eaten.

Dear Vogue,

Thank you for telling me that Taylor Swift is fabulous just because she has a cat named Meredith Grey and that Sonam Kapoor is absolutely iconic just because she can afford Dolce and Gabbana,

Because who needs anything else right?

Thank you for teaching me that I’m supposed to change my sartorial choices every month and throw my month-old clothes away because trends change, and my clothes are “so 2014.”

Dear Vogue,

Thank you for teaching me that women’s empowerment means flying hair, removing your bra on Youtube in slow motion and having sex outside of marriage.

I really wonder about the enlightening things you tell me,

And I’m really concerned, because,

Dear Vogue,

You really do have issues.